I thought this whole working while traveling idea sounded kind of neat. When I had no work to do, I could go sightseeing. When I was tired of traveling, I could hunker down and pump out some work. My wife, of course, would lovingly support me in whatever I did by rubbing my feet, peeling grapes for me, and fanning me with a large banana leaf. I thought this was the normal set of expectations. Too bad I married Cindy.

Today, I decided to catch up on some work, mainly a report that was due soon. I thought that Cindy would respond by buying some foot rubbing equipment and picking a banana leaf. Nope. Elated that I was stuck in the hostel, she made plans with Marine to go hiking. And not just hiking anywhere. They wanted to go up Hua Shan, a sacred Taoist mountain with a temple at the top (picture above).

Richard: Um, I’d like to go to Hua Shan.

Cindy: What? Is an insignificant voice making unimportant noises?

Richard: You know, we’re in China. I’m Chinese. It’s a sacred mountain.

Cindy: The Great Wall of China is just an above-average sized fence.

Richard: I have to work all day and I can’t go. You’re going to have fun with our new friend. That makes me sad.

Cindy: La Pared Grande.

By the time I woke up, Cindy was long gone. I stumbled about in our dark, cold room and stepped outside to have breakfast. It was raining. I had dou jiang and you tiao. Translated, that means loneliness and emptiness. Dou jiang is soy juice and you tiao is a fried donut. To eat, you dunk you tiao into dou jiang. So I basically dunked my emptiness into my loneliness. Then, when I ran out of loneliness, I drank all of my emptiness.

A few hours later, Cindy texted me a picture of her view.

I texted her a picture of mine.

If you look carefully, you can actually see her picture on my laptop screen, right next to the report I was writing. Because she has no compassion, Cindy kept sending pictures.

I mean, look at that crap. She’s smiling. Know what I was doing while writing my report? I was definitely not smiling. When she sent that last pic, I had just finished writing the words, “These findings suggest that…” That’s bull. My wife was having a grand time on a sacred mountain while I was trying to figure out what the findings suggested.

To prove how cold hearted she is, Cindy even sent pictures of Marine. Because it’s not enough that only one person have fun while I’m not, but several people have to.

Yes, that’s a plank on the side of a mountain

Yes, that’s an 89.9 degree incline

Again, my view.

Again, Cindy’s view.

According to the guy who hiked behind them, this is an actual conversation that transpired:

Cindy: I’m sure glad I abandoned my husband.

Marine: He must be the best husband in the world to work so hard while you play.

Cindy: When you get married, you should abandon your husband all the time. It’s the best!

Marine: Oui!

Marriage sucks. No way my Dungeons and Dragons buddies would have done this to me. For dinner, Cindy and Marine decided that they had TOO MUCH FUN that day and didn’t want to do anything else. GREAT. So we stopped by the corner and found the custom sandwich guy. His schtick was pretty cool. He had an entire cart full of goddies on sticks. We just picked whatever we wanted and he would cook it, fry up some pita-type bread, and stuff what we picked into the pita-bread along with some condiments. Maybe I’ll marry him, instead.

I’ll take this as a dowry